2014 – the year of taking back my life, bit by bit
It’s fair to say I have an addictive personality and according to my doctor possibly un-diagnosed ADHD as well (I don’t want to go through tests to find out although some reading on the matter backs up his theories). At times this can all be quite positive as the need to avoid being bored means I will often to say to new adventures however scary.
But then like the girlfriends that can’t let go of past loves (oh wait, done that too!) I find that sometimes I keep doing stuff just because it’s there. My natural (estranged) father is/was an alcoholic and his son (of all the many kids my parents have amassed since me the only one I felt anything in common with) is/was a drug addict. Terrified of ending up like either of them I’ve been very careful over the course of my life to avoid drugs and only ever drink on a social occasion with other people. There’s enough alcohol to stock a bar in my house but I never touch it.
I make up for it by being addicted to useful stupid things like Facebook (and bad food but that’s something to write about another time). I first joined Facebook in about 2006. It was all new I had a different set of friends. We posted daft messages that only we would understand and lots of pictures of nights out. Then I added lots of people I went to school with and people from work. I have regularly culled people from my friends list but still have 200 “friends”. I use quote marks as I probably interact with maybe 20 of them. Two or three close friends and maybe a handful of those from school that I speak to on there but not in real life. I spend more time looking at pages with memes and funny quotes that I do anything else on there. Most of my current every day friendship circle don’t even have it. It takes up ages from my day with no positive results.
I thought about the grand gesture of “I’m leaving” but I know me too well and will probably end up having a sneaky look to see if anyone has actually developed an exciting life while I’ve been gone. So I’ve decided to do it a week at a time starting today. No logging on this week. My phone is set up so I can update a status by text should I want to and any event notifications also come through via text so it’s possible to use it without ever having to well…use it!
I did think of keeping the account open to be able to run a craft page for a proposed self employment venture but I’m so busy with work and study I don’t have time to update it. That’s something for when I’m ready to take a bigger leap and not a good enough reason for hanging onto the account
And then once the cravings for funny cat pictures and other peoples food have abated I can close it quietly and with no fuss.
There are lots of changes to be made in 2014 and all I hope for the better. I keep addding to my list as I go along. This seemed like an easy one to start with.
I suppose I should start this with the old adage that anything written is entirely my own opinion and not written to cause offence. It’s merely my own ramblings in a public forum while I try and make sense of my own feelings.
So as one of my goals for next year is to be spiritually healthier I decided to watch (UK) Channel 5’s five part series The Bible. Faith doesn’t necessarily mean Christianity but it seemed as good a place as any to start. As a TV show in itself I’m not entirely sure about it (I have one episode left to watch). The Old Testament is covered in the first 2 and a half episodes with the rest concentrating on the story of Jesus. Maybe because the New Testament has been done to death in TV, film and schooling I’m finding this bit dull rather than spiritually enlightening. I would’ve have enjoyed more of the older stories especially as here they all seem so rushed. The 500 years before the birth of Jesus is passed off in 60 seconds with the paraphrased words “stuff happened, people suffered, it was all a bit rubbish really”.
But it has got me thinking and that should be classed as a positive result. I know there is a gap inside which could be filled with some kind of faith but what that faith should be is posing a more difficult task. I do believe faith finds you rather than you just picking one. I don’t believe you should follow a path just because you’re ancestors did and because it’s the “done thing”. I have always refused to Christen my son as it seemed hypocritical to do so when I’d barely stepped foot in a church. Now as an adult he is free to choose his own path but I never believed in foisting one on him.
A couple of years ago as part of one of my university modules I studied the reformation and the sacking of Catholic churches. Curious i decided to have my own mini tour to look at the differences between Catholic and Anglican churches. While the Catholic ceremonies go on too long for my liking I find the churches to be warmer, more inviting and more calming. The Anglican ones have sermons short enough for my attention span but the cold bare walls are too austere and uninviting. I have no idea of there is something in the middle.
So what do I believe? That’s a hard question to answer. I would love to know more on the mysticism side of Judaism. I believe in reincarnation, ghosts and spirits. I don’t think there’s a man sat up in the clouds looking down on us but I do think there’s a higher power around us something we can harness. I think I need to look into more “natural” faiths. Something that comes from the earth. That’s my gut instinct but a strange one seeing as I’m not a gardener or up to now been very good with plants. But I am a big believer in instinct and feelings and if that’s what my instinct tells me then that’s the place to start.
2014 should be an interesting year intellectually. I have several pamphlets of places to go and books to read. I’m hopefully going to a spiritual book club in January, maybe people will have some ideas for me to explore then. Somewhere out there is my answer but it may take time to find the exact thing. I’m looking forward to the challenge
Factual book recommendations most welcome x
It’s been an up and down year and at certain points I’ve sat and wondered if I’ve achieved anything at all. However this is completely untrue. Looking back I’ve made two very good friends and after some soul searching I’ve achieved my dream job (or the dream job of the moment! The ultimate dream job would be self employment)
I’ve also started a small style revolution within myself. It’s taken some playing around and experimentation but I’ve finally been able to feel more feminine and stop hiding behind frumpy clothes. I am now much more comfortable in my own skin and as such wearing dresses I wouldn’t have worn 18 months ago, even ones above the knee!
There is still work to do on the big re-build of myself. I’m happy with my friendship circle, I have the new job to start, I am doing ok with my studies and have even dropped a day at work to better enable my work life balance. Overall if I ignore a horrid blip around September it’s been a very positive year.
2014 I hope will be a time to expand on that. Health & well being really needs to take centre stage and as a lover of books I’ve chosen 3 books to help me get started, two of which are part of the coming years book club reviews. “Feel the Fear and do it anyway” as a general self help book, “How to Love like a hot chick” (plus maybe the other two in the series dependent on time) and then “101 Things to do before you Diet” a book I’ve read before and started me on the path to feeling better in myself and the way I dress. I’m hoping to pull out something new from all the books and have a bit of fun in the meantime.
I don’t like to make resolutions but I do like to set some kind of goals to work towards so I think 2014 will be:
- Finish some more goals from the Day Zero list (101 things to do in 1001 days) www.dayzeroproject.com
- More blog updates as I haven’t had time recently to do this
- Read all 40 books that are currently taking up space on my stairs (any new books will need to be stashed someplace else as the pile never seems to go down at the minute!)
- Get healthier physically either by losing weight, more exercise or both
- Get healthier spiritually
- Get healthier financially by either clearing a credit card or saving up some rainy day money
What about everyone else? What goals do you have?
Thank you to everybody that has liked my blogs since I started them at the beginning of the year and I hope everyone has a lovely holiday season however you chose to celebrate it.