I wrote a blog a few weeks ago about stopping chocolate and this is a follow on from that. It’s now 42 days since I last had a chocolate bar. I’m still stunned that figure keeps going up. As a lifetime overeater it’s quite a big deal. 12 days ago I decided to cut out cake bought from shops too. I put it that way to allow small treats at the once a month restaurant night out me and my girlfriends have. I don’t bake at home so buying pre-made cake is how I’ve usually got that fix. Just by checking the sugar contents on packets has resulted in me giving up other luxuries. Some yoghurts have as much sugar as a slice of cake. Even muesli, touted as a healthy breakfast, is riddled with the stuff.
Standing on the scales this morning I have lost a few pounds. I’m pleased with that but it isn’t why i started looking at my food issues. Every diet I’ve ever done has failed with me trying to give up everything at once and making myself miserable or giving into my emotional eating issues, never looking at why I do the things I do. I’ve spent 30 years eating for every emotion mostly negative ones. I’ve always said I’m not a self harmer because I never cut myself but yet surely devouring a weeks worth of your sugar limit in an hour has got to be self harm??? It’s often hard to explain this to people. They don’t get how much damage you can do to yourself .Until I started this blog I’ve always hidden my depression. I still struggle to say help.
I had my second (and I’m determined my last) breakdown four years ago this month. I’ve spent the last four years trying to recover what was lost mentally, learning how to have fun and live life and coping mechanisms to keep me sane on a bad day. Yet up until 42 days ago I still hadn’t tackled the food issue. I don’t think I’ll ever be truly well mentally untilI’ve tackled the health side. I kid myself that as long as I’m smiling it’s enough but yet I know I hide certain insecurites behind the ‘cheeky chubby girl’.
So what happens next? I need to learn to deal with the bad days by assessing what has gone wrong, what makes me feel bad and how to fix it rather than run to the nearest supermarket for my harmful fix of sugar. AS far as I’ve come there’s still a lot fo work to do but I’m hopeful. Every day brings it’s own rewards. Coming out of a supermarker with just a bottle of water and not wanting to add that chocolate bar when I feel down is an achievement. Not even thinking about adding it is the biggest of all.
I keep my little tally of days without chocolate or cake and maybe some others will be added as I look at other foods that I torture myself with. It’s a physical reminder that when the black mist descends I’ve something to fight it for. I don’t want to see those numbers return to zero.