Today, as with yesterday & many other days, I’ve been stood waiting for a bus in the cold and wet wondering why I don’t drive. More recently I’ve been counting down the months til my debt plan is cleared and I can use that repayment money to learn to drive.
The public transport service in my city is atrocious. I’ve coped for my whole life without learning to drive but as I get older I find I want comfort. Up until recently I would say I was about 70% happy to travel by public transport of any kind. I’ve always been content to go everywhere by coach and train and enjoy being ‘chauffeured’ around.
The other 30% is linked to my past.
If you scroll through some older posts you’ll see I have mentioned once being an abused wife. Way back during that time he tried to teach me to drive. He wasn’t a very good teacher and I freely admit I’m not a good student. I get easily distracted. So much so it became apparent I’m not cut out to drive a manual (stick shift) car. I tried in an automatic and I’m much more comfortable.
The lessons caused so much stress. Being an emotional abuser and knowing that people would be quick to spot any violent marks he made sure to belittle me, to call me names, at one point he smashed a window in the car while I was trying to drive, covering me in glass and then blamed his actions on me. At that point, beaten down by a few years of emotional torment I believed it.
I tried a couple of lessons after my divorce and would have panic attacks. I tried a male and female instructor and didn’t feel comfortable with either of them.Then on the occasions I’ve talked about this (the panic attacks but never the abuse. That’s something I’m only learning to do in recent times) I’d be laughed at for saying I wanted to only try automatics. I was told it was lazy driving, it was because I was too dumb to learn manual, to get over the panic attacks because I was being stupid. This from friends and work colleagues
Far easier to never learn again.
That was 20 years ago. He’s long gone and I’m a stronger person. I’ve tackled or am tackling most of my demons but this one has long remained dormant. I think the annoyance with the buses has brought everything up lately. I’m fed up with being cold.
It’s something I’m giving serious thought to. From May 2020 at the latest it’s something I can do. It’s a challenge for that year. So many obstacles have been overcome and I feel I might be ready to tackle this one