365 Day Blog challenge Day 85 – Valentine’s Eve #365daychallenge

With Valentine’s Day being tomorrow I suppose I should address it in a blog. I can’t remember the last time I actually celebrated it.

I have no luck with these things. In my dating years I always managed to get the boyfriends that forget or get you the last minute gifts from the petrol station. My ex-husband was of the opinion that £20 shoved in a card was the height of romance.

 I’ve been single for a while and so that means no presents. At the same time I don’t have to worry about buying anything either.

I think this says more about me though. I wasn’t brought up in a romantic household. My parents have been married 6 times between them not to mention a common law relationship as well. My ex-husband was abusive and between the two things I think I’ve set myself up in a way that it will always fail. If you believe that all you deserve are the creeps, abusers and narcissists then that’s all you’ll get

 I need (and am working on) is a change of belief in myself. I deserve someone that loves me for who I am, faults and all. I deserve someone who will spoil me the year around and not just on the day the media says he has to. I deserve someone who cares about being treated right himself.

 I don’t deserve to repeat my parents mistakes. I am better than that and worth more than that.

 It’s a very hard mind-set to change and sometimes I think that I hid behind the weight so I didn’t have to confront it. Easier to say no one loves me because I’m fat than to look at my self-esteem and self-worth, face some hard truths and work on them. Having mental health issues can be hard work & self-sabotaging sometimes. Easier to stay invisible – the 2018 challenge to fix.

 So if I want a Valentine for 2019 I need to step away from the back of the room and be visible. I need to put my hand up and say yes I’ll go on a few dates, see what happens and accept that I’m worthy of finding those nice guys. I need to stop making excuses as to why I don’t do this. Hopefully all the positive changes I am making to myself through diet, exercise, self-care will enable this to happen. I guess I’ve got 12 months to see how it goes.


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