365 Day Blog challenge Day 92 – I Can’t #365daychallenge

According to my grandma there’s no such thing as can’t. Yet how many of us live our lives constantly saying and thinking I can’t, it’s too hard, I’m not good enough, I’m not clever enough and other variations on the theme?

 For context I’m writing this on a Monday morning. As has happened for many months now I get to Sunday evening and the return to work mood kicks in and on Monday mornings I’m just miserable. I’ve tried all my deflection techniques but at the end of the day I just don’t want to be here. The other week (blog Day ??) I sat in a development class and at least 80% of the women there (it was an all-women group) wanted to be senior civil servants, wanted to run their own commands and I just wanted to leave. I did come up with a long term goal which is in the earlier blog but that is about 3-4 years away and I need to look at where I am now.

I’ve spent the last few years bouncing around from one job within the civil service to another including getting a promotion and I’ve not really liked any of them. I’ve tried a few times to leave and even got a few interviews but then pulled out at the last minute because I think ultimately my subconscious knows that I’ll just be going into something else that I don’t enjoy.

So what do I do?

 Let’s unpack the I Can’t…

 I can’t change jobs as I have a debt repayment plan: Well actually this is flexible. If I lose my job and have to claim benefits the plan can be amended downwards, if I change jobs to a lower salary the plan can be amended downwards. If I change jobs to a higher salary the job can be amended upwards. The reality is I don’t want to take a big pay cut for a job that will make me miserable. I can stay with the job I don’t like and pay my debts earlier.

There are some options that I’d enjoy but they are minimum wage jobs that would not only drag out the debt plan but put me on the poverty line as well. While I’d like to eventually work in adult education jobs like teaching assistant simply don’t pay enough to survive. Not in my current financial condition.

So I really need to look at what  do want to do. In the long I want to teach/tutor adults with or without learning difficulties. Teaching assistant doesn’t work financially so I need to see what other jobs are available in the educational field.

I love books and do some unpaid work with reading. I’d love to find a paid job within the book world. I think again a book shop would be too much of a wage drop and I’d struggle no matter how much the flexibility of my debt plan. So I’d need to research that. What I do have through unpaid work with netgalley is access to a goof 100 publishers. There must be at least one job vacancy 🙂

 I get told I’m too quiet in this job and I need to make myself known. Looking at my visibility plan I think the issue here is I’m not in a job where I feel I can be myself and let my personality shine. I used to be very much a people person and loved chatting to people. Looking back over what I’ve written in the flirtology blogs about talking to people in terms of work I think I lost the ability (or smothered it) with the last few jobs. I need to get back into some kind of public facing role.

 So lots of work to do, lots of research. I have some ideas now need to follow up. Fingers crossed but most importantly I need to look at this as an I Can job search

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