If you’ve been reading these blogs over the last month you will have seen mention of various death anniversaries and breakdowns. I thought that my last (and final) breakdown was in February but the other day I was looking in my Facebook memories and saw a post that means it’s actually in March.
The post simply mentioned my boiler had broken down. Although it wasn’t as bleak weather as we have at the minute (the most snow in years and a storm on the way) it was unprecedentedly cold and I remember it rained a lot. That one post was the start of 6 weeks of hell. Terrible customer service, an insurance policy that was worth nothing, my debts ever growing and then the possibility of having to find even more money to pay for the boiler fixing which ended with me sitting in an empty office in a homeless shelter (where I was working), closing the door to lock everyone out and just sobbing for half an hour.
I’d reached my breaking point. This was probably the worst one of the three. With the others I was ill but took charge to get better and was successful to a point. With this even though I had some treatment it left me broken inside to the point where I lost a lot of what makes me. All the past posts about being invisible, being accused of being too quiet, never going out. That’s what the last one did to me.
But back to the digital memories. I’ve seen in there posts of the deaths. I’m sad for a few days and then it goes. But whenever I see that boiler post I know what’s coming and I find it hard to pull back. Then over the next 6 weeks will be updates on all the trauma and I know how it ends. So I’m going to not look at the memories link for the month of March.
It’s not easy. Sometimes I can stay away from social media but have a sneak peak at what went on in history. Last month was a month too long of bad memories and low moods so I want to avoid it as much as I can. I didn’t look yesterday and in the afternoon was a notification to just do it…go in and have a look. I nearly did but distracted myself in the end. I need to stay away for myself though. Focus on all the good things in life as I’m trying to make positive strides in life.
I should probably start making a list of all the challenges I keep setting myself. I’ll end up forgetting some soon 🙂