365 Day Blog challenge Day 186 Goddess #365daychallenge

Been a long day of people performance planning so it’s curling up time with a good book and relaxing. The meme below may be about being a Goddess but nothing wrong with the guys embracing their inner power either 🙂

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365 Day Blog challenge Day 185 Let’s Do This #365daychallenge

Let’s Do This…..

I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve said that this month.

‘I need to reduce my sugar intake again; Let’s do this’

‘I need to walk more; Let’s do this’

‘I need to restart my moisturising regime; Let’s do this’

And yet I haven’t done any of it. I really seem, after the brilliant start I had to this year to have lost motivation. I think about what I need to do then I’m not actually doing it.

I’m definitely at that self sabotage stage. I’m 2lbs off my next target and I know from past behaviour that when I get to significant targets I end up unconsciously putting up barriers to achieving this. I wrote some posts at the beginning of the year about the need to be invisible and that some of the sabotage was linked to this but I’ve taken lots of steps since then to combat that. I definitely think more about achieving goals than ever before.

One positive point this time is I am aware that I’m doing it. I’ve managed my inner battles with anxiety and self esteem to the point where my weight has stayed steady at the lower end rather than me gaining all over again so that is a huge plus point for this year. And another one; despite an increase in sugar I still haven’t had any chocolate so that is definitely one battle won.

I just need to work out that trigger to get me moving again.

I’ve had very little sugar this week but I have overcompensated with bread so I need to look at alternatives for boredom eating. Toast is not the answer J

I’m shopping at the weekend so will stock up on fruit and sugar-free jelly.

It’s a bank holiday and I have some walking plans. I still have those 5 minute exercise routines saved on my sky+ box but I have a tendency to forget they are there. I may have to set a reminder on my phone until it becomes habit to do it.

I’ve developed some good habits this year and got rid of some bad ones so I know it’s possible to do this. I also know from experience now that for all the messing about once I achieve the mini-targets the motivation comes back to go further and get at least ¾ of the way to the next one. I just need to find my missing mojo.

I will keep pushing on through and congratulating myself on achievements – being stuck now doesn’t negate the hard work and success that I already have

So again – Let’s Do This 🙂

365 Day Blog challenge Day 184 Motivational #365daychallenge

Today was the total opposite of yesterday. Well apart from rushing out of the house without a coat and nearly being late for a conference call but the rest has been good.

I had a meeting with my mentor who works in a building on the other side of the city centre. We went through the development course I am on and how it’s gone so far then discussed the different steps I want to look at next. She has made some contacts to introduce me to people in jobs I would like to explore so I can set up some shadowing.

Then we looked at the competencies needed for jobs. In the civil service this is the way they recruit and it can be a nightmare trying to give the best example of something you can to sell yourself in 250 words. I have a few already which she’s going to check and going forwards I have a few more to write so I have them to slot into any application. This is the hard part – doing them in the first place. She is going to sense check them and make sure they sell me as much as possible.

I left the meeting really motivated into my next steps. I have a few ideas of jobs I’d like to do and even though it’s never fun writing up competencies I have some good ideas to note down and build into something.

And it’s nice to have that time to just think about yourself and what you want and have a person to bat ideas off that can then help you explore what you really want.

Then I got to walk back to my office on a glorious sunny day. So today has been a good day 🙂

 

365 Day Blog challenge Day 183 Frustrations #365daychallenge

Today has been a bit of a frustrating day after a relaxing weekend. I woke up to the sound of my neighbour having some kind of argument with slamming doors. This was about 6am and he’s normally so quiet so a bit unusual. I also could only hear the one voice so intriguing as well! Sadly he’s not been there long and I don’t know him well enough (as you never see him) to get any gossip.

So I didn’t wake up too well. Then the bus was delayed by 10 minutes. It didn’t really affect anything in getting to work but along with having to go back home before I caught the bus as I’d forgotten my locker key it added to my negative mood. Sometimes I feel a bit anxious going into work. It stems from a previous job and so I often go into the city centre early and spend 20-30 minutes having a hot drink sat somewhere first. Usually this means I get to work unstressed and not rushed. However it didn’t work today and I still felt really anxious until about lunchtime.

Then my conference call to discuss data I need for my job has been put back 2 days. To top it all off my  outlook for emails has been really slow and keeps crashing. All in all I’ve spent most of the day counting the hours down until I can go home again.

I did get some encouraging texts from my friend today so that made me feel a bit better. Sometimes there are days like this where we feel everything is not awesome and nothing seems to work. Sometimes it’s okay to acknowledge that and let it run it’s course. For me it doesn’t usually last too long and so I don’t fight it.

To quote Gone With the Wind – Tomorrow is another day… (and tomorrow is my late working day so if nothing else I’ll get a lie in #positives)

365 Day Blog challenge Day 182 Looking Back #365daychallenge

I’ve done a fair bit of soul searching over the last few months and it’s helped me move to a good place where I’m looking after myself more and thinking about the future. It’s a hard question – what do you want from life?

We’re so programmed that self care is selfish that we don’t always think about we want as an individual but I’m gonna give it a g, put it here and see what blooms from it.

Some easy ones: I know now I don’t want to move unless it’s with a partner to share a bigger mortgage (so romantic!). I want to do my house up nice and add a conservatory and a decent garden.

I want to be debt free and in control of my finances. I want to be in a position to travel again.

I would like to be in a meaningful relationship, one that’s equal and caring. I’m quite independent and set in my ways so I need to learn to let go a little and not let my past define the future.

I want a career where I enjoy getting up and going into work. I do for the most part now but it can be quite dull. My friend asked me what I was going to do once I’d completed my degree and I’m torn between 3 plans. Hopefully as the next 2 years go past one of those plans will become more clear to me as the right one.

And that’s it so far. I’ve been so busy trying to get through day to day that long term plans haven’t been a part of life but with less than 24 months to go with my debt plan and just over 2 years to go to graduation I can finally allow myself to start dreaming again.

 

365 Day Blog challenge Day 180 Meaningful May: People #365daychallenge

According to tomorrow’s Action for Happiness Meaningful May calendar the action is to spend some face to face time with people who matter. Tomorrow is also the royal wedding and some big boxing event and the FA Cup football finals so I intend to avoid all social media where possible (except for writing this blog) and go hide in the woods or somewhere peaceful. So I did tomorrow’s action today.

My friend became a grandma 8 months ago. She invited myself and another friend to come and have a coffee and lunch with her and her daughters and the lovely baby. We all met in the coffee shop and just had a couple of hours with no intrusions from the real world. Lots of talk about the new baby and our grown up babies. Catching up on life.

Sometimes it’s good to switch off for a while, let go of life’s daily stresses and strains and focus on the good or in our case the little boy who is wanting to stand up and move and see everything with his innocent eyes.

So I’m totally at peace today. I’ve had a meaningful afternoon and am nice and chilled out. All fired up for ignoring the TV tomorrow 🙂

365 Day Blog challenge Day 178 Mental Health Awareness Week #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek #365daychallenge

#MentalHealthAwarenessWeek

So today I did a thing….

My first day back at work after a week off and straight into a team meeting I’d helped to plan. The post-lunch energiser was to have come to the meeting with 4 or 5 songs that you felt represented you and we had 15-20 minute doing some arts and crafts decorating our CD of the songs. Then we had to talk about why we picked them. When it came to my turn I explained I’d picked songs based on the 2 parts of my personality; on the one hand I’m one of the most laid back people you might meet, on the other side I have a Sever Anxiety Disorder.

I’ve flirted around the subject between a few of the team but never sat and said it out loud with it’s full title to everyone. I was less anxious than you might think. I’d planned the songs and what I wanted to say so just came out with it.

I was sat opposite my bosses boss and he was nodding and smiling the whole time which made me feel good. Then the host of that segment discussed her songs and the energiser was over. I didn’t expect a conversation and we didn’t get one. I also had the following exercise in the meeting so could move the meeting along at my pace.

My exercise was for everyone to think of one nice word or phrase to give to each member of the team. This way at the end each person should have had 13 positive words about themselves and we were going to reflect on this. Often what we think we are  can be all negative and it can surprise you what others think of you. As the host of this exercise I didn’t take part so it was a nice surprise that 11 of the team gave me words.

Three people gave me the word ‘brave’ with one colleague saying it was in response to admitting my S.A.D. Going back to how others see you I didn’t feel brave, I was feeling determined. There’s a big thing at the civil service called ‘I can be me’ with people with disabilities, faiths and sexuality writing blogs about these things and how it affects them. I write this blog, I don’t need to write one for work but I do want to within my team free to ‘be me’.

Of course the next steps are important, how my line management team follow up on this. What I want to happen is for them to say ok fine and move on. What I don’t want is for them to not offer me opportunities because they think I couldn’t cope. That should be for me to decide.

I summed that up (I hope) with one of my song choices: So What by Pink. The line So what, I’m still a rock star is the mantra I live by. So what… I have anxiety but it doesn’t define me. I think I’ve found a work team that accept that 🙂