365 Day Blog challenge Day 183 Frustrations #365daychallenge

Today has been a bit of a frustrating day after a relaxing weekend. I woke up to the sound of my neighbour having some kind of argument with slamming doors. This was about 6am and he’s normally so quiet so a bit unusual. I also could only hear the one voice so intriguing as well! Sadly he’s not been there long and I don’t know him well enough (as you never see him) to get any gossip.

So I didn’t wake up too well. Then the bus was delayed by 10 minutes. It didn’t really affect anything in getting to work but along with having to go back home before I caught the bus as I’d forgotten my locker key it added to my negative mood. Sometimes I feel a bit anxious going into work. It stems from a previous job and so I often go into the city centre early and spend 20-30 minutes having a hot drink sat somewhere first. Usually this means I get to work unstressed and not rushed. However it didn’t work today and I still felt really anxious until about lunchtime.

Then my conference call to discuss data I need for my job has been put back 2 days. To top it all off my  outlook for emails has been really slow and keeps crashing. All in all I’ve spent most of the day counting the hours down until I can go home again.

I did get some encouraging texts from my friend today so that made me feel a bit better. Sometimes there are days like this where we feel everything is not awesome and nothing seems to work. Sometimes it’s okay to acknowledge that and let it run it’s course. For me it doesn’t usually last too long and so I don’t fight it.

To quote Gone With the Wind – Tomorrow is another day… (and tomorrow is my late working day so if nothing else I’ll get a lie in #positives)

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365 Day Blog challenge Day 179 Mental Health Awareness Week (2) #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek #365daychallenge

It’s been a quiet day of catching up on emails at work and not much else so following on from yesterdays post on what others think of you game here’s a photo of the words I was given:

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365 Day Blog challenge Day 158 The Wheel of Life #365daychallenge

Yesterday in my development course we had an exercise called the Wheel of Life. In this you have a wheel broken into 8 sections. In each section are 10 dotted lines and you have to rate each section as to where you think you are. The purpose being you can then work out which areas of your life need extra support and attention. I first did this exercise in 2015 just after an anxiety based breakdown. I’d been diagnosed with a sever anxiety disorder.

These days I’m at my happiest and I feel really good. I know I have anxiety but I believed I had it under control for the most part. I do know my social anxiety has got the bets of me a little bit but actually when I compare the two charts I can see I’ve been deluding myself a lot.

One good thing about yesterday was the chance to talk it out with people who challenged me a bit on the subject and really made me thing. This was part of the course as we had to really discuss what changes we wanted to make in our lives and how. Then we had to have honesty discussions with each other as to how likely we will stick to the actions we’d set ourselves.

Looking at my 2 charts my work score has gone up. Understandable as I was in a job that I’d lost the love for and had no support, now after a lot of hiccups along the way I enjoy my job and have a lot of support. My health score went up 5 points! That’s down to the diet and walking I’m doing, the positive results and holding myself accountable in this blog. It makes me hyper aware of what I’m doing.

Money and personal growth are the same. I’d just started the repayment plan and so I think that score will be low until it has finished and I am always looking at new ways to grow in knowledge.

The rest went down and if I look at the categories they are all things influenced by being sociable; relationships, fun, friends and so on. Again in this blog I’ve talked about my social anxiety and how sometimes I think my finances have impacted on it but it’s harsh to see no positive change in 3 years. I trust myself with my physical health now to not dwell on it too much so the mental health side must be something to focus on for the rest of the year. I don’t want to check in 12 months time never mind in 3 years and have the same feelings.

I’ve taken some strides; following on from the flirtology book I’m getting quite used to chats with strangers now. I now need to take this forward more. I finally found a book club I enjoy and feel comfortable with. There is though, so much more to do. I need to sit with pen and paper as I think better that way and come up with some actions. I’m at a point where I refuse to let this take over my life any further and in a place where my will is ready to do battle with my brain and not let it control me. Now all I need is a plan.

365 Day Blog challenge Day 77 – Letting Go of what doesn’t serve you #365daychallenge

I’m still full of cold, still under the blanket fort of self pity and seeing as I’ve spent the last 77 days thinking about and dealing with my demons my thoughts today have moved onto books.

I’ve decided to get rid of my JK Rowling Harry Potter books. I decided earlier in the year to re-read them. This is the first time since Deathly Hallows came out in 2007. Since then they’ve gathered dust on the shelves. I’ve read the complete set of Pratchett Discworld books twice in that time and there’s 41 of them. I think I’ve seen the HP film series a good 3 or 4 times in the 11 years since the last book.

I’ve managed 3 HP books and I’m thinking they’re …okay. I have a feeling it could be another 11 years until I read them again. So I’ve decided to sell them. I’ve less money this year than previous years but still the same things to save up for so the money raised (all £4 of it…) will go towards the new passport I need. And if I do want to read them again…then that’s what libraries are for.

But it’s made me think about the things we cling onto whether because we feel we should, or because it cost us lots of money originally or because we thought something was cool or pretty. My mum has 32 dinner services. She lives alone and uses the same plate, cup and bowl all the time. She bought the dinner sets because she thought they were pretty and because the shopping filled a need at the time. They’re not even on display like my books. They’re in the garage, getting damp and dusty.

We cling onto these things then that serve no purpose to us. Letting go of these things is good for the soul no matter what the item. So the books are going. I feel quite pleased with the decision and there’s now space on the shelves for books I will read in more than one decade.

 

365 Day Blog challenge Day 59 – Driving #365daychallenge

Today, as with yesterday & many other days, I’ve been stood waiting for a bus in the cold and wet wondering why I don’t drive. More recently I’ve been counting down the months til my debt plan is cleared and I can use that repayment money to learn to drive.

The public transport service in my city is atrocious. I’ve coped for my whole life without learning to drive but as I get older I find I want comfort. Up until recently I would say I was about 70% happy to travel by public transport of any kind. I’ve always been content to go everywhere by coach and train and enjoy being ‘chauffeured’ around.

The other 30% is linked to my past.

If you scroll through some older posts you’ll see I have mentioned once being an abused wife. Way back during that time he tried to teach me to drive. He wasn’t a very good teacher and I freely admit I’m not a good student. I get easily distracted. So much so it became apparent I’m not cut out to drive a manual (stick shift) car. I tried in an automatic and I’m much more comfortable.

The lessons caused so much stress. Being an emotional abuser and knowing that people would be quick to spot any violent marks he made sure to belittle me, to call me names, at one point he smashed a window in the car while I was trying to drive, covering me in glass and then blamed his actions on me. At that point, beaten down by a few years of emotional torment I believed it.

I tried a couple of lessons after my divorce and would have panic attacks. I tried a male and female instructor and didn’t feel comfortable with either of them.Then on the occasions I’ve talked about this (the panic attacks but never the abuse. That’s something I’m only learning to do in recent times) I’d be laughed at for saying I wanted to only try automatics. I was told it was lazy driving, it was because I was too dumb to learn manual, to get over the panic attacks because I was being stupid. This from friends and work colleagues

Far easier to never learn again.

That was 20 years ago. He’s long gone and I’m a stronger person. I’ve tackled or am tackling most of my demons but this one has long remained dormant. I think the annoyance with the buses has brought everything up lately. I’m fed up with being cold.

It’s something I’m giving serious thought to. From May 2020 at the latest it’s something I can do. It’s a challenge for that year. So many obstacles have been overcome and I feel I might be ready to tackle this one

365 Day Blog challenge Day 48 – The consequences of being Invisible #365daychallenge

Yesterday I wrote about increasing my online presence. The idea of stopping self imposed invisibility and re-declaring my existence is you have to do a bit of soul searching and turns out no one is perfect and we all make mistakes.

I thought last year that some friends were taking me for f=granted and if I wasn’t the person who did everything and arranged everything would they still be my friend? So I stopped being the planner and not surprisingly they ghosted me out of their lives. Hurts but so does a one sided friendship.

However on the other side being invisible by choice I’ve not always got it right. I was getting angry because for me a group of friends don’t seem to do much beyond a regular get together. I got made because I don’t think they text me enough or want to spend time with me outside these meet ups. Some soul searching later and I realised how often do I text them? I remember once winning some cinema tickets and inviting them to share in this with me. Looking that film up it came out in 2011!!!!!

Last year I won a Body Shop party. I had to invite 8 people plus myself. With a monthly meal group I have and my best friend I instantly have the 8. I put the details in a whatsapp group then panicked and withdrew the invite and didn’t have the party. Why???

I got a little bit anxious, my anxiety is so much less than it became at its worst but it still flares up. Maybe people have the same thoughts in the fear that nobody will say yes, no one will turn up, no one will like the ideas? Someone has to step up and make the first move so maybe I should pick the baton a while. If it doesn’t work it’s an idea I tried at least.

Instead of getting angry and phasing people out I should find ways to phase them in more? Instead of ghosting out of events I need to make a concerted effort to be in them.

I’m adding it to the visibility action plan. As with yesterday and social media. How can people know who I am if I don’t talk to anyone? I grumble that I have nothing to say but actually I don’t say anything. In November someone asked me if I had any holiday plans for 2018. At the time (before money went a bit wonky for both me and a friend) I was planning trips to London, Ibiza and Euro-Disney. What did I answer?? I said I had no plans…..

Currently sat here mentally slapping myself!

Then I complained later to someone else everyone was talking about holidays and not including me. This is what mental health issues & anxiety does to you and this is another area to focus on. But I’m aware of it now so I can change, I can make amends and I can make sure that I answer questions truthfully even if my heart rate has doubled and I’m freaking out. Because not doing so is even worse.